You got it right dude..

Snap, crackle, pop now fu*k off.

Environmental does the mental with cyborgs. Even with Clearvoice, certain sounds reverberate through every fibre of my being. I turn from Jekyll to Hyde in a nanosecond.

I’ve been a cyborg for some 5 months now and it’s always the environmental that makes me think WTF. Environmental is anything nature conjures up, I will throw kids in the mix as I’ve come to the conclusion the CI doesn’t like kids. Lol

Cyborgs tell me wind is one helluva bitch to put up with and I have to agree. Whoosh in your ear’ole and nowt else gets a look in...a real pain if you’re trying to have a conversation outside. If the wind doesn’t let up, cyborgs will start shadow boxing and cursing all the guys up there for eating too many baked beans.

Motor bikes and the like, is another that gets on my tits. Vrrrrrooom past my ear’ole as if a plane is about to land in your back yard, doesn’t bode with me either.

I’m convinced we cyborgs undergo a change in personality as the more we hear, the more we try in vain to screen it out. Selective is something hearies muster to a fine art. But if you’ve been deaf a long while, then the brain wants to hear everything, so selective doesn’t get a look in.

Most of us in the UK get given just one CI on the NHS. Kids on the other hand get two for being two goody shoes. With one, I have no sense of sound direction and don’t hear in stereo. It’s still good, don’t get me wrong mind. But, we humans just want the whole deal, two working ears.

The CI is a miracle..strangers in the street have said that to me. I’m in full agreement, I got my hearing back in one ear and my life has been a whole lot easier. I can now make up for all those lost years and recapture my dream of working for myself again.

A cyborg working for himself? Now that’s not something that happens everyday eh?

R.I.P Subtitles..

From watching telly tubbies to songs of praise, I needed subtitles to understand the lingo. So, for years Ceefax 888 was my domain. Anything that didn’t have subtitles was a huge turn off. If you invited a HOH friend over to watch a film and at the last minute mentioned that it didn’t have any subtitles. The colour would drain from your friends face and you'd watch as they’d go to a corner and weep inconsolably. Lol

I know how it feels, your knackered and there’s this film you wanna watch on tv. Your even more excited cause it comes with subtitles. So you change into your PJs, get the popcorn out, draw the curtains and lie spawned across the sofa. The film starts and then a caption appears saying ‘ Sorry, we cannot get subtitles at this moment’..’Arrrrrrrggggggh’ you kick off big style. In the process manage to stub your toe on the coffee table and subsequently scream your head off. Your neighbours four houses down the road, hear you and wonder what the fu*k is going on..lol

So there you are, pissed off almighty and nursing a throbbing toe. Your hearing aid then starts playing up, cause of all the condensation build up. You then throw it at the telly yelling abuse as you do so. The aid reciprocates off the tv and flies out the window. Problem is, you live in a flat and it’s the fourth floor. You then rush to the window and see where it’s landed. Which is akin to trying to find a needle in a haystack. You put on your dressing gown and go out in search for your hearing aid.

As you make your way down the stairs you pass your carer who’s eighty and asks you what on earth your doing in your dressing gown. Lol You explain in your best voice and your carer helps you in your search for the aid. Outside you stare at the tarmac, looking in vain for your beloved hearing aid. ’ It’s over here’, your carer says as she hears it whistling for dear life. You rush over and there you see it, covered in dog shit.

Same old shit, different day…

With my CI though, I don’t need to cry and ask someone to sing me a lullaby anymore. In true bionic fashion I hear what’s being said. I’m amazed myself how this can be so. My mind has gelled with the CI, they are fast becoming best buddies.

It’s liberating and I’m happy to leave that manky hearing aid on the shit pile.

Mission accomplished.

Geez three months sure has flown by, it's been the ride of my life. You may remember my old post Boyakasha where with hearing aids I got 0% on my listening test. Chuckles to himself.. You couldn’t do worse eh?

No I had to read lips in them days to survive. And that’s what life was like, just surviving and existing. I’d go into my shell like, cause that’s what deafened people tend to do. Well, someone has worked a little miracle on me and I’ve been set free from the deaf sentence I thought I’d be confined to forever.

That miracle is my AB implant, I gotten my life back in spades. Right from day one of switch on, I could hear music again and it was emotional. The tinnitus that plagued my life for the last ten years varnished by the end of the first week on switch on.

What I hear with my AB implant is just like what a hearing person hears. My result for the listening test came at 100%. So eat your words doubters..

And it gets better..I hear well in noise too. Thanks to Clear voice which comes with Advanced Bionics, I can understand speech with back ground noise well. Take the other night for an example, we went to this bar and whilst music was playing, I got my girlfriend to whisper in my ear, that’s where the T-Mic is situated. Right by the ear, none of that top of the processor shit. I heard everything that was said right by my ear’ole.

So do I feel deaf? No way and believe me who wants to be deaf, with all that 'what' and 'pardon' crap that comes with cloth ears.

Anything that empowers one to hear well and make life easier, just has to happen. If one fears that a CI will make you look stupid, cause you happen to have a complex with the magnet. Well, I think you’d feel even more stupid if you saw me take a phone call for you that you couldn’t do with your hearing aids.

There’s still a lot of misinformation being bandied about with the Deaf community and the like. I heard recently that someone said a CI seriously damages your health!! WTF . Being deaf seriously damages your health actually. Just take a look at all the mental health problems the deaf have.

For me it’s a no brainer, I went for a CI, cause of all the positive things I heard about them. Sure I had my concerns about how they looked, but on closer inspection they look like blue tooth devices. I’ve held a mirror up and stared at the back of my head and... ok I realise I’m a cyborg. Lol

But here’s the crunch, I’m a cyborg that can walk the walk and talk the talk.

From 0% to 100% in three months, you ought to pay me double bubble. lol

Enter at your peril.

Lets talk about deaf clubs. We all know they’re meeting places for the deaf to go. Often the highlight of their week, and for many it costs them a fortune in taxis fees. But thanks to DLA this makes it possible for them.

But as a cyborg it is really a question of them and us. Enter a deaf club as a cyborg and all eyes will become transfixed on your CI. Everyone watches as you go to the bar and heaven forbid if you don’t sign your drink, you really are in the shit.

Well that was me the other night, standing at the bar and talking…cough cough splutter I ain’t suppose to use my voice. But I did, cause I’m lousy at sign. I can do the rude signs, but that’s no good if you wanna get served. So I ask my girlfriend what’s the sign for red wine and do my best to relay that to the barman. That wine sign is like the phone sign to the ear, and I just cracked up man. Laughing hysterically I say to the barman ‘phone for you.’ Lol

Luckily for me I got my wine, all credit to the barman…top dude. But I had to pay extra to these geezer who looked like some gangster. In his best voice he explained as I was not a member we had to pay £2 extra, protection money me thinks..

A CI to them is some form of evil. So all evening I got the evil eye, and by the end of it I was ready to turn into Arnold Schwarzenegger .

It wasn’t my first time at that place either, second actually. I figured they went easy on me first time, kinda hoping I wouldn’t come back. Lol Well, I did and boy did I feel the vibes in that room, so intense it was I’m telling you.

This geezer came up to us, all friendly which is sound mind. But like, within a few minutes he’s asking us for our phone numbers and suddenly we are supposed to be best mates. Winking at me, doing the old hand jive thing he’s like trying to butter me up so I can be his taxi driver for the next five years. Well fuck me it ain’t gonna happen. Still, for most of the evening he’s there, following us around like a bad smell. Ordering another round of drinks, the barman tells us to be on our guard, for he’s really a psycho as if I didn’t know already. Lol

I do my best to keep chilled mind, and talk to this other dude who I saw last time. But it was hard going cause I’m an oral guy and hearing this guy talk is like listening to Alvin and the Chipmunks. So I throw in a bit of sign to give my ear a break, but quickly realise it ain’t working.

You gotta sign to fit in with this lot. There’s no use being a cyborg in them places either. As soon as you enter, you ought to switch off your voice, real handy if you happen to have a sore throat . I was hoping to meet folk like me, but I’m thinking that’s not gonna happen in them places.

They also have a bingo night, which I stumbled across the first time I visited. It’s all done in sign of course, so folk will sure get a stiff neck from looking up at the signer and down to check their numbers. Lol And I wonder what the prize is for winning? An ipod? Fat use that’ll be eh? Tee hee

I even came across a HOH guy wearing hearing aids. He says he’s HOH but starts signing like a fruitcake to me. I tell him, to quit the sign and use your voice. What’s does he do? He feckin carries on signing. I told him for the umpteen time to cut the crap and speak. Oh no, he carries on and well by then I’d seen enough and upped.

Play by their rules, or get the fuck out.

That’s it in a nutshell.

Found...one careful owner required.

Heard about this the other day, I gotta tell you about it.

Someone left their hearing aid in a department store, WS8 postcode area. The manager of the store is looking after it. There's a big poster at the information desk asking for it’s rightful owner to reclaim it. Lol

I mean that just cracks me up. How did that happen I wonder? Did he or she catch it on a Christmas tree and left it dangling on one of the branches? Or was it a case of the owner wanting to remove it, cause the wife was nagging him to death? I dunno, but here’s my theory.

The owner is old, I mean well old with a case of alzheimers. Cause you have to be pretty dumb, to go off without realising something is amiss. I also reckon the owner was looking for some hearing aid batteries for it, and took it out to double check that they were the right ones. And in a fit of excitement, the aid got left behind, with the owner leaving the store with just the batteries. Lol That’s just so darn funny.

The other theory could be that, the old aid was giving the owner some serious grief and with it being Xmas and all that. The owner just thought sod it, they can have it, placing it on a shelf next to the shredders and laminators.

I mean how often does this happen? For hearing aids to be left in department stores that is? We’ve all heard about knickers and the like being found on trains, that’s kinda normal right? But a hearing aid?

Nah someone’s off their head.

The biz.

Looking at the picture, there’s no hiding the fact I’m a cyborg. I’m no a girl and don’t wear wigs either. Does it bother me how it looks? Not one bit and let me tell you why.

Cause it looks like a blue tooth device. It’s futuristic and trust me you won’t see many cyborgs at your local Sainsburys. So when you do see one that looks like mine, you ought to ask for an autograph.

A CI is so much more than a hearing aid. For a start, there’s no ear mould to wear so I can once again feel the wind blowing in my ears. You don’t get whistling feedback like you do with aids, which has to be the most annoying thing about hearing aids. And of course, I don’t have to worry about blocked tubes anymore.

My CI sits comfortably over my ear. The cord that connects to the headpiece tucks nicely behind the processor. Keeping the cable discreet. I did this, cause the cord was too long and did looked silly. The microphone is situated right by the ear, so picks up sound like a normal ear would. I have add on colours that I can use whenever I fancy. The battery is rechargeable and lasts on average 9 hours or so. We cyborgs of AB have a little purse to carry two other batteries for changeover. No warning is given when it’s time to swap them over, so a little forward planning is needed.

During my hearing aid days, I did think the CI resembled a huge contraption on one’s head. It bothered me that much that I wrote to a CI manufacturer and voiced my concerns. What surprised me even more, was they were in full agreement of what I said. LOL!

But times have moved on and so has technology. How it looks, isn’t so much a concern, but more importantly, how it works for you. If your CI works likes a Jelly tot, then fair enough it is a piece of shite.

My CI works for me. From calling up people on my mobile to listening without lip-reading I’m living it up big style. My everyday program is CV Medium IDR70 100% T-Mic. CV seems to work better for me now, I’m finding speech comes through clearer with CV. It also sounds good with music, so I’m just riding on one slot for now.

I got given a blue tooth loop for Xmas * thanks babe x * but I’m getting buzzing with it, so I’ll need to talk to the audie about this on the 5th Jan. My IDR on this is 60 with 70/30 Mic. Just calling direct without the loop works fine to get round the buzzing.

So, It’s now a new year and for me as a cyborg, a whole new way of life. I have made great strides in the space of just two months and with my listening assessment coming up, it will be interesting to see how I’ll fair then and in the months to come.

Happy New Year Folks!

CI is for life, not just for Christmas.

Two months on, life as a cyborg is good, but I've had moments when I felt my CI behaved like a jelly tot stuck to my head.

A CI is for life, you cannot ask for a receipt and take it back to Toys' r 'us for a refund. Nope, you end up a computer, and a walking computer at that. It's a big step up from your old fuddy duddy hearing aid. When you’ve out used the manky aid, then it's truly time to consider making that leap of faith to cyborg world.

Cyborg world consists of maps, rehab, maps and more rehab. You've also got to have a sense of humour, cause they will be moments when you’re thinking your progress has stalled and you've gone from a hare to a tortoise.

The last week, my CI has been a pain in the butt. First up, speech got harder to understand then, whenever I cranked up the volume I got distortion. With IDR 80, music is good, but for speech the jury was out on that.

Thankfully, I was able to arrange an emergency appointment yesterday at the CI centre for a tune up. I am now on more volume and also have one slot on CV medium IDR70 100% T-Mic. I’m trying CV again cause I found noisy places a nightmare and struggled to understand speech. The audie, ran some tests and concluded I am hearing very well, especially in the high pitches.

I still have my music program at IDR80 and a program for the loop. As it happened, I listened to music via my mobile and loop on the way back from hospital,... it's good. Loop program is set at IDR 60 F120.

I can also use the loop program for making calls, but need to get a blue tooth loop for that.

My mobile is one of them Android phones, HTC Wildfire. I can hear well with it, in fact I spoke to two people last night and goes to show you that I am doing alright. I do find female voices easier to understand than males voices. In time though, I should be fine with both.

I’ve also discovered that when I dry my hair with a towel, my head starts buzzing on the implant side. It’s static building up, the hairs on me head stick up, a strange feeling I have to say. I have to allow the charge to decrease before putting on the processor, otherwise I’d be nuked. Lol

The old magnet is also prone to leaving my head whenever I go near anything metal. Imagine what a nightmare it would be if you’re a mechanic with a CI? Under the bonnet, the CI would end up stuck under an old Robin reliant. The CI is an occupational hazard, we cyborgs have to do a risk assessment wherever we go.

We also have a dry box which the processor goes in every night to suck out any moisture, it picks up on during the day. The dry box has special granules that need to go in the oven regularly to keep them yellow. So along with your pizza, garlic bread and the like, we chuck our granules in too. Lol

My tinnitus, which I found a nightmare to live with has gone in the implant ear. My ear has more useful things to listen to, so there’s no need to make up any noise. My other ear however does get it, cause it is not doing anything and I need a CI in that ear now.

But thanks to our good old NHS system we adults are only allowed one. Whereas, children can have two! That’s age discrimination period. I mean you wouldn’t say to a double amputee, you can only have one false leg and ask them to hobble about on that would you?? the world is bonkers.

Having half a head of hearing is better than nowt mind. But with only one side hearing, you can’t always tell where sound is coming from. I have seen how hilarious this can be. In a shop I saw two deaf blokes. One bloke called for John who was in another aisle. John had one hearing aid, and could hear his name being called, but didn’t have a clue where his mate was. He started moving his head left to right and then went round in circles as he desperately tried to work out where his mate was calling from. Lol I am a cruel bastard ain’t I? Tee hee

Some cyborgs try going bimodal, that is wearing an aid in the other ear. Depending on how much you hear in that ear, determines the outcome. For me, it was a no brainer, the CI out performs my aid in every aspect. It’s like trying to compare apples and oranges, the aid stands no chance if you hear shite out of it.

So give me another CI any day. I’d bite your hand off for it!

Happy Christmas.

A focker moment.

Well its been two weeks since you’ve heard a peep out of me. I bet you’re dying to know how I’m getting on.

Well fourth week, saw me back at Emmeline centre for more rehab and maps. My IDR has been increased to 80 now. So F120 IDR 80 on two slots with one being louder, gives me the full modus. 3rd Slot is for the blue toothy loop I tried out there. With a lower IDR 50 to cut out buzzing and 70/30 ratio it worked quite well. Only quibble is the blue tooth loop cost a ton, someone’s taking the Michael if you ask me.

CV, which is an add on feature that some cyborgs love with F120 to help reduce background noise doesn’t bode with me. I guess I’m used to hearing everything via the old analogue aids and hated the transition over to digital aids as it was full of compression.

I hear more than I have done in years. I hear every environmental sound going so don’t even think about slipping me a sly one to test me out. I hear the slightest squeak on anything, even if it’s your dodgy knee. WD40 should use us cyborgs for their adverts, trust me they ought to.

I can’t get over how beautiful it is to hear bird song. I hear every bird going, even the one that is stuck indoors with Maurice. You can never tire of bird song, only tire of bird nag. Lol

With my increased IDR, speech is easier to understand. I’m already getting into the habit of not reading lips more and listening instead. I guess it can be a die hard habit to break, when you’ve been staring at rubber lips for years, and relying on subtitles when watching TV. My audie’s tip is to watch first half of a TV program without subtitles and then put subtitles back on to watch the rest of it.

Then into the fifth week, boom.. My brain had a major falling out with my CI. It stuck up an imaginary two fingers up to it and went into meltdown. No amount of how much I strained myself to hear, I was not getting it. Apparently it is normal for us cyborgs to have a fall, stumble every now and again. Cause, although hearing through a CI is awesome, it still requires rehab time. The mind has to gel with the CI, hang out at some bars etc getting to know one and another better.

There is one particular sound that still stops me in my tracks and makes me scream out WTF. It is hearing babies crying. The sound is feckin weird, and out of this world. Lol

Cyborgs with all our focker moments are here to stay, move over you geriatric hearing aid users.

ET phone home.

Well folks I’m on my 3rd week and today it was rehab time at the Emmeline centre.

I’m still on F120 program and although it rocks, environmental sounds need to quieten, thus allowing speech to come through clearer.

Anyway, I voiced my concerns to the rehab lady and she said CV ( Clear voice ) would be something to try. But my next map wasn’t till next week. So had a word in the audie’s ear and CV Medium is now on one of my programs. Also, I’m after a wider IDR but audie said I have to wait till next week for that.

So back to rehab.. First up was the old no lip reading session, talking about the weather and whatnot. I did well in this test.

Then looking at the phone on the table, she looked at me and said ‘Are you ready for this?’ What the phone…wow 3rd week and I’m being put on the phone already!

She explained she was gonna go into a cupboard and make a call. I thought shall I lock her in the cupboard, that would be real funny to see. Tee hee

So I waited for the phone to ring ‘Brrring..Brrring..’ I answered it and heard her voice. She talked about the weather and I heard her with ease. Then she talked about more random stuff like music, again I heard, only getting stuck on one word.

I sat there in daze, trying to take in what just happened. For ten long years, I’d had to get by on type talk. But today here was I taking my first call with lady who squeezed herself in a cupboard. I’m thinking this is a miracle right. This computer chip in my head is working its magic, and empowering me to the hearing world again.

Awesome beyond words this. Later on that day I call my daughter and we have a conversation. Again, I’m left speechless.

And today, I call up someone who is a total stranger to me and I get most of the conversation.

My fellow cyborgs have been telling me all along to take it slow. To be forgiving and allow the process unravel as it sees fit. Well, I can only say my mind is so hungry after lying dormant for so long. It is like being let out of a dark prison and is taking in this wonderful gift like a child is to candy.

What I hear over the phone sounds normal abet a little quiet. A little distant, so my mind has to go into the zone and pick it up. I tend to crank up the volume on the processor to equip me with the tools to make life easier.

Some tool eh? that helps me reconnect to people. No longer do I have to talk to sheep. No longer do I have to avoid people. I am walking talking and living it up big style.

Way to go, woo hoo..

Lets dance..

Woo hoooo Second week.

Lets kick off with some cool lyrics…

Let's dance

Let's dance

Let's dance, put on your red shoes and dance the blues

Let's dance, to the song they're playin' on the radio

Let's sway, while colour lights up your face

Let's sway, sway through the crowd to an empty space

Second map I’m on like F120, a formula 1 car, only it’s a pretty niffy software that comes with Advanced Bionics. It comes with better pitch perception, and let me tell you it rocks!!

As soon as the audie fired me up with F120, I was like wow, like opening a window and a whole rush of exciting sounds came to mind. ‘This is more like it’ I tell the audie. Let’s work with that. So, I’m on like 3 programs of F120 varying in loudness to see me through till next map in two weeks.

I was hearing a high whine in the audie’s room and it turned out to be the radiators. Next up, was a hearing test to see how much I were hearing . I had to like listen to the quietest sound, it could have been next door’s fart for all I cared and I pressed the button. The results were cool. 20db range, that’s like what a hearing person hears.

Then it was off for a rehab session to talk Jackanory. The lady was looking at me and was saying like why wasn’t I looking at her. It was cause I were listening through my CI, after all that’s what I’m here and not for subtitles. Anyway the test started up and they were like three words written down and without lip reading you complete the sentence. Like the cat went ……… ….. …… …… ……. . Overall, I did well in these tests and she was like saying I’ll put you on the phone next. Jeez, the phone! Imagine no more type talk and walking down the high street with the blackberry in me ear? Woo hooo. Wicked.

Dances to himself..

So how’s speech going? Well I got an audio CD to practise to. It’s about Aliens. Lol Started falling asleep listening to it, it were that boring. Still, I’m chillin with some music to keep it real.

Going back to my first week as a cyborg, I were hearing the highs a lot. That’s because the brain hasn’t heard them for 10 years and is like focusing on the highs instead. However, like now it is normalising. Donald duck has now left me for someone else and so my laugh is mine now. The dog barking is still a little high but nevertheless has come down a bit.

Bird song is wicked, love it after been out of it so long. Crisps packets and the like drive me nuts, I can’t for the life of me believe how noisy they are, so they are off the menu.

Another cool thing about this CI is how I can feel the wind blowing in my ears again. Something a HA wearer is never gonna appreciate until they make that leap of faith into cybernetics. My ears are breathing and healthy little wings again. Lol

Oh yeah, one another thing, when I go running I tend not to wear the CI and just use a HA in the other ear for environmental sounds. The difference in sound quality is startling. A CI is no match for the geriatric HA.

Let’s dance, for fear your grace should fall

Let’s dance, for fear tonight is all

Let’s sway, you could look into my eyes

Let’s sway, under the moonlight, this serious moonlight..

Steady does it.

This cyborg business is a learning game. If one thinks one map is all that is needed and you’re off to Bollywood, then you’ll have another thing coming.

I had two days of feeling on an absolute high. My mind was spewing out gallons of it, that by day 3 I had a meltdown. I was so darn tired, the old tinnitus came in waves and that was my calling card to go back to chillin.

Cranking up the volume beyond 12 o’clock and I got the old gravel in the mixer sound. Too much too soon for the old mind to tackle, so I reined myself in again.

Day 4 was a little better, still the volume was low, but gotta live with it till next map Monday.

But I were hearing new sounds!! The door creaked as I opened it and wow..like it jumped right at me and I looked at it in amazement. You have to realise that sounds you first hear through the CI sound so new and although a lot can be recognised if you’ve have a good memory bank, there’s always plenty of surprises in store.

I took a walk round my hometown and like the funniest thing happened. As I passed a house , this bird flew right at me in full flight and stopped like six foot from my face and with it’s beak wide open, let out the sweetest chirp I ever heard. I froze to the spot and watched it as it flew on pass to join its family on a tv aerial. Again I heard more chirping. I had run out of tears by then, so I stood there laughing at them. I’m sure the curtains twitched and I’m guessing I’ll now be known as ‘The mad robot.’ lol

Also I heard police sirens from like miles away. Pretty cool if you’re a baddie and need time to plan your escape. Lol

By Day 5, my tinnitus had reduced to hardly anything. Since my mind now has more useful to things to hear, I figured the old tinnitus has been kicked into touch.

Day 6 and 7 were like hearing stuff but I’m needing more volume..that’s gonna come on Monday’s 2nd map. Also hearing the dog bark is well weird at the moment, sounds like it's on helium.

So end of week one and the one thing that rocks around the clock is music. My old CD’s that had lain gathering cobwebs during my deaf sentence are now been brought back to life and I’m loving it.

Roll on week 2!

Pass me a tissue.

Oh man..where do I start…

Switch on.. Well that day had come, the day of reckoning and such a momentous occasion. What a life changing moment that turned out to be so.

I was told to just expect beeps and whistles..nothing more. So I tried to prepare myself mentally for that, but there was no need in the end.

On firing up all electrodes, I heard them all. The best way I can describe it, was like being on an ocean floor and hearing the submarine going beep beep…sounds just like a submarine does I’m telling you. Then like, things got a little more interesting.

The audie said this is it, prepare for lift off. So I grabbed the sides of the chair, and braced myself for what was about to come. Beep beep beep came in rapid fire..then woohoo man. I heard the audie’s voice, through all these beeps. She spoke and I listened, and wow..I could hear her voice just like in the old days. I was in world of wonderment. Like a baby does when they hear sounds for the first time. When it came to me speaking it was like loud and deep..I sounded like that singer Barry White. Lol

But when I laughed, it was like what’s this? Donald Duck had morphed into me and that laugh belonged to Donald not I. I was hearing Donald laughing in me. So I spent a lot of time laughing with my new friend Donald.

The audie then did a little test with no lip-reading allowed to see how I was faring..like 1 hour from switch on. One hour and I’m doing a little exam already! Lol Well, I gave it my best shot..and my giddy aunt I got them all right, how bloody awesome is that??

I’m on Hi-Res S Prog 1 T-Mic, Prog 2 50/50 and Prog 3 30/70 t-coil I tried F120 and well I was doing so well with the former. My brain was thinking what’s this F120 all about? Too much information in so little time. So keep things simple for now. That’s my little tip for you guys..

Going out and hearing the world beyond four walls was a revelation. I could hear the chatter and background noise as people went about their business. Sitting in a canteen I could hear a ladies quiet conversation some 30 foot away. I listened in awe, this cyborg business is getting even more fun! Maybe I should get a job with M15. Lol

Opening a packet of crisps was weird along with hearing a child screaming. I’ll pass on those two for now me thinks.

I listened to music in the car and it was like coming home.

The sound was so sweet, the melody beautiful. I felt every fibre of my being fill with emotion as I listened.

That’s it, I could hold back no more..

Pass me a tissue.

Chill...

Well I’ve been a pissed off dude and needed to bang some heads together. I’ve done that now and pleased to say I feel better.

My switch-on date is 25th October, the wait has been a ball breaker. I’ve still got a week and a half to go before the beeps and whistles kick in and brain screams out WTF. Well my fellow cyborgs have been telling me to chill.

I think it’s easy to lose the concept of chill. Some just don’t know how to chill, they might as well go in a fridge and really chill. Some have got it down to a fine art on chilling. I’m an in between man, I can chill when I feel the need to. There are lots of ways to chill, you can chill with drink, chill with music, chill with nicotine, chill with a man or woman or both if that’s your thing.

I can never understand the point of dinner parties if you’re deaf and everyone else is hearing. You go along as you feel obliged to, as it’s a distant family or work thing. So you mingle with these people, striking up a conversation to show that you’re making the effort you know. But the conversation inevitability steers to your hearing impairment. It often becomes the topic of conversation and sucks the life blood out of you. So you excuse yourself and check out the seating arrangements. Checking that you’re not sitting next to someone who has a moustache, or speaks with a lisp. Often you end up feeling like a lemon, as you struggle keep up with the flow of conversation, and end up out of the loop. That is not chilling, that is suffering.

Real chilling comes from within. Try doing some of that Dalai lama stuff with your legs crossed and go into the zone. It takes a little practise but soon works a treat. It's best to do it on your own like, at least until you've mastered it well. Don't attempt to get all smart arsed doing it in the middle of a board room meeting, if you do, you may well get the Alan Sugar finger.

I think Buddhism is cool, although I've never seen one with a CI though. Lol But with all the mind training they do, it is impressive how they can meditate for aeons of time. Also I like the way they change their thinking. I know a bit about this you see...tee hee I'm not short of a marble or two you see. It's like if I fill my head with doubt, then doubt will follow me. Like with a negative person, surrounding negativity will attract to that person. So I have to keep my head positive, with all those good vibes flowing through me. It's not exactly rocket science is it? try it, experiment, and do what works for you.

My switch-on is coming soon and I know, they will be days when I'll be hearing crap, and wish the bleeding the thing would work properly. Well you know, I have to remind myself it’s a tool to help me hear and although several steps up from a hearing aid it will take time. I have 12 mapping sessions to attend from switch-on till 28th January. To get the tuning right and cranked up as the brain ’gets it.' Kinda like tuning an engine till it runs like a baby. Well that’s it, I’m a baby learning to hear all over again via Advanced Bionics. I’m giving myself a time frame of 3 months of being a baby to becoming a fully fledged cyborg with my mojo in full swing.

Meanwhile it’s Dalai lama time.

Ah sweet...

I was back in Cambridge today for my 2 week post-op check.

First up was the X ray to check I hadn’t sneezed the implant out of my bum. X rays and implants are not a good mix. A bit like attempting to boil an egg in a microwave oven…psst have you tried that? Lol well, unless you want egg on your face don’t. tee hee

I told the lady at the reception desk, I had come for a x ray for my cochlear implant. No problem there..good. Soon the X ray man ushered me into the cook house. Again I said it is my CI your X raying, just so to protect my brain from ending up like scrambled eggs. No problem.. I had to face this white board with a cross on it. A red beam indicated my head was on target then

zap.. the picture was taken.

Soon as it began it was over. Then on to the Emmeline centre for the results and a quick chat with the nurse.

The nurse asked me the usual questions. Like ‘How you feeling, any problems?’ 'Nah, nothing a few beers can’t fix' I replied. ‘Still got your taste buds?’ she asked ‘Yeah, beer with fish and chips taste well nice' I said. She also checked in my ear‘ole and said all fine.

She then looked at the X ray as above. And beckoned me over to look at it. She zoomed in and showed me where the electrodes were. All sixteen are there, tucked up in the cochlear. I spotted one outside and she told me that was the earth one. So in the case of getting struck by lighting you are earthed . Wow, some reassurance that. Lol

She said it was perfect, with everything as it should be.

Ah, sweet that.

Wassup

Well I’m one week post op now and I’ll fill you in with what went on.

Coming round after op, was relatively straight forward. I could eat the hind legs off a donkey and not feel any pain what so ever. Moving around though was a different story. The surgeon said I’d feel a bit wobbly for a couple of days. Well, it was more than a couple of days, and it felt like someone had battered me one.

My brain soon sussed out something was amiss and started giving me verbal. I ignored it until into the fourth night, with the ear throbbing like it was on fire or something, I swallowed my first Nurofen plus to put it out of its misery.

Having a piece of metal in the head has been a weird feeling. I had that cross-eyed look that you’d get if someone knees you one in the nuts. Whenever I turned to my left, where the implant is, I'd get the sensation that my brain didn’t know its arm from its elbow…it was that odd.

Walking around, I’d feel like I had drunk the brewery out of business. I was getting annoyed because in town people kept walking into me, I needed space and lots of it. A couple of people approached me to talk about some survey, I just waved them off and headed into Starbucks instead.

A nice cup of tea and a sit down in a quiet corner was what I needed for awhile.

Getting by on one ear which is crap as it is, has been a blow. I’m just hearing junk noise and coupled with the wobbles, it’s not a great combination. I find myself going into my shell like sometimes.

Give me two good ears and I’d talk you into buying a whole lorry load of Jelly tots. This CI had better work, otherwise I’d really be up the creek without a paddle.

I want to hear like I could in the old days. The memory is there and with the hardware now installed, it’s just a question of the having the right software that resonates with my brain. The two need to gel in order for me to understand the ‘Comprendo.‘ I don’t want to be fiddling about with switches and the like. Just get the tune up right and I can get back to what I do best.

And that is living it up big style.

Feel the vibe..

Hey check out the signature on my head..

That is the workings of my CI surgeon. No more hearing aid for me in that ear, I am now part of the ever growing CI brotherhood and Jelly tot brigade.

I must have made an impression on the NHS, because they gave me a 5 star stay at a private hospital. With my own room along with all mod cons, Lenny Henry would have gone green with envy. They wasted no time working on me at all. My room was a hive of activity, nurses and surgeon all coming in to see the man who wanted to be the next Buzz Light year.

Staff nurse kept me on my toes, asking me all sorts of questions. From dentures to loose teeth, I had to do a double take and tell her that it’s my ear I wanted doing, not my mouth,.. just procedure she replied.

I was then asked to put on the dress and kinky socks. The problem with this dress is that every time you have a call of nature, you have to lift the dress up and sit like a girl would do, so that is sex discrimination if you ask me.

Sister nurse came in and said that I will going in the next thirty minutes. All kinds went through my mind then. I started pacing the room and getting hyped up to the tune of Rocky playing in my head. I did some ghost boxing and with that dress on, sure must have looked funny as hell.

Then the call comes, time to get into bed and let them wheel me down to theatre. Two guys hooked me up to a machine that had a huge syringe. A guy started pressing some buttons and the machine fired up. At this point one guy looked at me and said 'you Ok'? I felt my vision bounce, I knew what was coming so.. I just closed my eyes and went to sleep with a smile on my face.

Two hours later I am woken up to the sight of two nurses fussing over me. A huge bandage on my head and hey presto it’s been done!

Surgeon sees me and says the op was a success with full insertion of electrodes.

I looked at him and smiled.

Ain't life beautiful?

3..2..1..Kapow!

Thursday 23rd is the big day for me, whereby I will become married to an implant for life I guess. I’ve spent so many months chasing this implant and now it is finally making it’s way to my head. I’m choosing Advanced Bionics Hi Res 90 for the implant and Harmony for the processor.

My left ear will be implanted, being the last ear to go tits up and so will be the first to get jump started. My right ear is just an environmental pick up which will serve me some purpose while I go nuts waiting for switch on day.

So any residual hearing I have in the left ear, will be terminated 23.9.2010. This is the trade off and swap shop for something potentially so bloody awesome that it’s like trading a Mini for a Ferrari.. a no brainer. All bells and whistles..only the thing won’t whistle. Can you imagine that? No feedback, no more me blowing in the tubes and spraying ear wax and condensation everywhere. I should frame my hearing aid and write an epitaph for it, donate it to Cambridge Emmeline Centre for all to see and have a chuckle as they undergo their CI assessment.

I won’t be sad to kiss it’s sorry ass to Timbuktu. It is an end of the hearing aid era for me, time to take that leap of faith into cybernetics.

I will go into theatre with a big smile on my face for I have more reasons to smile. (*wink, wink*) Lol The bit where they knock you out sparko is the bit I’m thinking about. People say it’s like having a nice sleep and waking up in someone else’s bed. Lol

Then it will probably feel like someone’s taken a Black ‘n’ Decker to my head. I will dose and triple dose myself up with pain meds. Don’t ask me to take part in Trivial Pursuit at this point thank you. I will look around and watch the nurses run around like headless chickens as they tend to some poor soul. I will look at myself in the mirror and let out a big scream that is reminiscent of psycho, because my head is likely to be wrapped around with bandages that would make one look like the elephant man. Don’t expect me to model for some top shelf magazine at this point okay.

So, I will probably be shuffling around like someone from Michael Jackson Thriller movie. It’s thriller night..oh baby, I’m gonna thrill you tonight. Lol

I’ve been told not to eat a single Jelly tot from 11am Thursday. So I’m gonna be so ravenous that I will want to eat a super size meal from good old Mac. But fellow cyborgs have shot that one down, saying you will need a straw mate.

Well fly me a wotsit instead.

And the journey begins...

Well, I had some welcome news today. Down at the CI centre, I nervously sat along the corridor to await the outcome of my CI assessment. There were a couple of ladies waiting also.

Five minutes came and went. Seemed like an eternity. I stared into an abyss to calm the nerves. Then this peace was interrupted by a nurse who came up to the ladies and called my name. I have a man's name and there she was asking the ladies lol Anyway, I beckoned her over and said it's me you're looking for. She then went on to say, that the surgeon had to go somewhere. My heart sank and thought I would have to come back later.

Then she looked at me and beamed a big smile and said 'All good, you can have your CI.' Well I could have kissed her then. lol I asked her for an idea of when the operation would likely to be. She went away and came back saying two weeks...two weeks!!! Wow, that's quick I thought.

I've also been asked to come back again at end of this week to discuss the device, medical etc.

So that's the first part done and out the way.

The picture illustrates very well how I feel, because I have a monstrous battle ahead of me. My personal life is in complete disarray, I've got to move out..find another place to stay, get a job etc.

I don't do things by half eh? lol

What's up doc?

In case you’re wondering where I am with getting my CI and bag of Jelly Tots.

I’ve done all my tests and have been invited to see the Surgeon 7th September. All being well, I should pass my GCSE, and gain membership to become a fully fledged cyborg. It’s only one ear they‘ll be doing, but hey,.. Rome wasn’t built in a day was it?

I have found my journey pre-cyborg to be frustrating to say the least. My hearing has never been this bad and seems to remind me almost on a daily basis just how pathetic it is.

You saw from the post Boyakasha that I failed the no face listening test miserably. Whenever I’m out in the street and some tourist comes up to me and asks for directions etc. I just want to hide behind the nearest bush or collapse and play dead. Then Google earth can come along, film it and spread it worldwide online. One way to get famous I suppose.

I had a strange guy come up to me the other day, and asked me if he could borrow a petrol hedge trimmer. I looked at him and thought he was nuts, for I wasn’t cutting any hedges or anything and asked him to repeat several times. Each reply sounded the same, so I suggested he see my mental health doctor and offered him the telephone number. He gave me a funny look and went on to ask someone else instead. It was only, when I saw him again standing beside his broken down car, that I realised what he was really asking for.............a petrol can!!!!!!!! Duh.

It’s pretty annoying when that happens and if you are like me, you will head for the nearest pub to drown your sorrows. Lol

So, here I am, waiting and waiting for the surgeons verdict. Throughout my tests, I’ve been asking how things are looking and the feedback has been in my favour. They like to turn things around within 16 weeks, so when I see the surgeon I would have notched up 11 weeks.

In fact, I got so impatient recently that I emailed them a begging letter to see if it would help at all.

I’m afraid to say it just fell on deaf ears.