Saturday, 3 July 2010

Yeah but, but, does it come with a bag of Jelly Tots?

Ive spent a lot of time procrastinating about cochlear implants. I didn't think cochlear implants were pretty, in fact I thought they looked pants. Actually they still look pants. lol
I was born with a pretty head and it's not the done deal to send myself off to Toy'r'us and return as Frankenstein. Hardly anyone has a CI these days?, I mean just take a trip to your local town with your friend and play a game of 'Spot the Cochlear'. You'd have a hard time seeing a magnet on someone's head, and if you do then that's a rare find.

For the women and hippy men can hide theirs under their hair bonnet. The rest of us, can only hide under the bonnet of a car. The cochlear would then stay there for it has a magnet. So remember don't go anywhere near a car or anything metal, if you are going to play hide and seek with the kids or from the cops.

Whenever I did see a cochlear, I'd scream out 'Holy Crap.. what happened to that guy?' Did he take part in Scrapheap Challenge and went too far this time? It looks like it was designed by a bunch of kids at Kindergarten. First prize for uglinesss and none for prettiness.

Whenever I was asked in the past to go for an implant, I'd give them a funny look as if to say 'Are you being serious here?' They were deadly serious, for I was deaf as a door knob. I was in denial and it wasn't my time to go Cyborg . I was maxing out on my turbo charged hearing aids instead.

Hearing aids have been a huge part of my life. In my ears for years, they'd become part of my essence. Lots of people have hearing aids. During my last trip to 'Spot the Cochlear' I spotted ten hearing aids users and just one Cochlear. So, hearing aids are abound and I felt part of the brotherhood..brotherhood of hearing aids.

Hearing aids are all very well if they do that, help you hear. But probe further and a whole can of worms will emerge. Whistling feedback is one of the most annoying things about them. For if you are a profound deaf user, you won't hear much of it, but everyone else will!!
I remember a time, when I did a site visit for some new clients. The new clients didn't know I was deaf and with us all stood outside chatting, they would excuse themselves because they could hear something.. so inside they went and after a few minutes checking the alarm etc, they'd come back outside. I figured it all out and mentioned that the sound they were hearing could actually be from my hearing aids! The look on their faces was priceless! LOL

Hearing aids also won't help with speech if you haven't got enough 'hair' cells in your cochlear. With mine being fried by menieres, I get distortion and squeaky voices instead that make no sense to me. I've had people yell at me, whenever I'd ask for them to repeat. Repeat as many times as they did, and it still sounded the same abet louder. You then start to fiddle about with the hearing aids, blowing into the tubes to clear any blockages. And change the battery, only to realise that it made no difference. In a fit of anger, you throw your hearing aid across the room, only for it to end up in a goldfish bowl and die an early death.

So what's the alternative? A cochlear that comes with a bag of Jelly Tots??

Cochlear users tell me, they are the mutt's nuts. They tell me they can hear a fart 50 paces away. They can hear the neighbours munching on their tortillas. They can hear like a normal person! Their speech recognition goes from 0 to 100 % in a matter of months. They fire their interpreter along with their mother, father and auntie Betty. They go on a mad spending spree and end up looking like Susan Boyle from Britain's got talent. They don't care, because Access to Work can pay for it. lol

They love their CI, caressing it every night singing a lullaby as they put it to sleep. They wear them like women carry Gucci bags, proud as hell. They order a takeaway with extra toppings over the phone, because hell they can hear again and it's been a long time coming.

And they actually get to hear the punchline of jokes!

I'll have one with a bag of Jelly Tots please.


  1. AnonymousJuly 06, 2010

    Hey leap o faith, Im going for a bag o jelly tots too! Scary but hey we have nothing to loose. They may be ugly but a damn sight better than the flesh tone of hearing aids! And we get to wear a big smartie on yer head, ha ha or stick a spoon on just for a laugh. I have gone from no thank you, dont want one of them to, what the hell if I can hear with it- bring it on.
    I havent used the phone for 12 years and it still drives me nuts.

    I live just outside Dunoon in scotland so I tell you there aint any C.Is here. Im gonna get "holy crap whats that on yer head!!"

    Scrapheap challenge, ohh thats funny.

  2. AnonymousJuly 06, 2010

    Hi Leap o Faith, tis the time to become a borg. Can you imagine a life with no feedback and being able to hear punchlines? Not really, its still to far in the future but its getting closer every day. We will be there and its gotta be better than the standard "flesh tone" crappy hearing aid that whistles most of the time and keeps the world just to far away for us to hear.
    Bring it on, cut me open and stick a magnet in my head!

  3. Hi there,

    Cyborg is the only 'Get out of deafhood' card there is.

    Nowt else is there?

  4. AnonymousJuly 06, 2010

    Oh god both posts went up, jeez man it took ages then said neither happened. Just incase you think im nuts!!!

  5. It's're not nuts. lol

  6. AnonymousJuly 09, 2010

    Hey Can I add you to my blog in the other C.I journeys bit? Cant you tell I know all the technical jargon! lol Also some of us are on Facebook if you want on find us. Oh and have you checked out the yahoo C.I group, its a good one.

  7. Hi, sure you can. I'll add yours to mine.

    I ain't on Facebook yet. I'll check out yahoo CI groupie.

    Many thanks.

  8. AnonymousJuly 12, 2010

    I already got my bags o' jelly tots!! and lemme tell ye sumfink... I want another one!!

  9. two.. one two...