My momma always used to say..

Life's like a box of chocolates, you're never know what you're gonna get.

I love that phrase, and, use it often. I have a wry outlook on life. A lot more so, since the shit hit the fan. That fan stopped working a long time ago. I kinda got shit for brains, like scrabbled eggs. I kinda like scrabbled eggs. You can do so much with eggs. You fry it, poach it, beat it, boil it, scramble it, saute it, serve it with beans, tomatoes, burgers, salad and toast. That's about it.

I like the weather too, from rain with cloud, cloud with wind, wind with sun, we got it all. One time we got rain.. It rained for forty days and forty nights. Every kind of rain there is, we got. From little bitty stingin rain..and big ol'fat rain. Rain that flew in sideways. And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath, I love rain.

The youngest of four, I was the black sheep. My momma had to explain things in a way I could understand. I was a kinda loner, with only a Canary for company. He was called George. George liked a bit of Golden Delicious on Fridays. One Saturday though, I spent all weekend talking to him about hearing aids. On Monday, he got the lurgy and died on the Tuesday. I buried him next to Mildred at the bottom of the garden.I never did eat apples again.

I hated school too. Every break-time, we were made to drink a bottle of milk, only that this milk had been left outside in the blazing sun all morning. It tasted like something dished up from Junior masterchef. I hated it that much, I'd lock myself in the loos every break-time from Monday to Friday. I went to a lot of schools,and, I'd get into a lot of fights. My momma used to say 'Sticks and Stones.....' I figured it better to use sticks and stones instead.

One time a big lump of lard called Fredrick, was playing a game called 'Hit the Joey' using stones, and, whatever you could get your hands on. I was asked to join in. We had to hide behind some trees, and, throw stones at each other hoping one will hit the Joey. Well, I hid behind this giant Redwood tree, it was the biggest tree there. Fat Fredrick was 20 yards away behind a puny Pine tree. I threw my 5 pounder stone,.. it missed the target by a yard. I popped my head round from behind the tree to see what Fredrick was doing. As I did so, this giant brick bounced off my head, and, wow I got hit. It didn't hurt at all, I looked at Fredrick and said 'You've hit the Joey!' That was the last memory I had. I wound up in the Matrons hospital, where this nurse who looked like Nanny Mcphee fixed me up. This is where I learnt the saying 'Stupid is as stupid does.'

I like girls too. There was this girl called Alison, who lived next door to me. Me and Alison went together like peas and carrots. One day, me and Alison decided to get married. So we invited the whole street to come along to the wedding. We were dressed up to the nines and had all our bridemaids and pageboys fitted up. We got married, and was about to go off on our honeymoon, when we ran into a problem. My older brothers got wind of what was happening, gatecrashed and called the whole thing off. The problem was, I were only 5 years old.

I was an energetic kid, lots of energy to burn. On the Fridays we had P.E . The hall was set up, ready for junior paralympics to start. Kitted out in all white, that R White lemonade should have used for their advert. I had to run up to this trampoline, bounce, do a somersault over this dead horse, and land on the mat in front, feet first. Only that, with my name being Joey, I ran full pelt and launched myself off the trampoline, somersaulted right over the dead horse, missing it by miles,..landing on the last 6inches of mat left. My arse hurt like hell,.. worst of all my hearing aids came off my ears whilst airborne and hung by their tubes for dear life. I had to figure out a way of fixing them to my head, so I stole some Blu-Tack from the art room and used that.

I was different, but my momma used to say 'Don't let anybody tell you, they're better than you. If God intended us all to be the same, he'd have given us all hearing aids.'

Like magic shoes Forrest wore, I had hearing aids instead . Now, if I told you that I could have the wind blowing in my ears again you'd think I had the lurgy or something. Well, the wind is coming, and, it's going to take me places I never dreamed possible.