CI is for life, not just for Christmas.

Two months on, life as a cyborg is good, but I've had moments when I felt my CI behaved like a jelly tot stuck to my head.

A CI is for life, you cannot ask for a receipt and take it back to Toys' r 'us for a refund. Nope, you end up a computer, and a walking computer at that. It's a big step up from your old fuddy duddy hearing aid. When you’ve out used the manky aid, then it's truly time to consider making that leap of faith to cyborg world.

Cyborg world consists of maps, rehab, maps and more rehab. You've also got to have a sense of humour, cause they will be moments when you’re thinking your progress has stalled and you've gone from a hare to a tortoise.

The last week, my CI has been a pain in the butt. First up, speech got harder to understand then, whenever I cranked up the volume I got distortion. With IDR 80, music is good, but for speech the jury was out on that.

Thankfully, I was able to arrange an emergency appointment yesterday at the CI centre for a tune up. I am now on more volume and also have one slot on CV medium IDR70 100% T-Mic. I’m trying CV again cause I found noisy places a nightmare and struggled to understand speech. The audie, ran some tests and concluded I am hearing very well, especially in the high pitches.

I still have my music program at IDR80 and a program for the loop. As it happened, I listened to music via my mobile and loop on the way back from hospital,... it's good. Loop program is set at IDR 60 F120.

I can also use the loop program for making calls, but need to get a blue tooth loop for that.

My mobile is one of them Android phones, HTC Wildfire. I can hear well with it, in fact I spoke to two people last night and goes to show you that I am doing alright. I do find female voices easier to understand than males voices. In time though, I should be fine with both.

I’ve also discovered that when I dry my hair with a towel, my head starts buzzing on the implant side. It’s static building up, the hairs on me head stick up, a strange feeling I have to say. I have to allow the charge to decrease before putting on the processor, otherwise I’d be nuked. Lol

The old magnet is also prone to leaving my head whenever I go near anything metal. Imagine what a nightmare it would be if you’re a mechanic with a CI? Under the bonnet, the CI would end up stuck under an old Robin reliant. The CI is an occupational hazard, we cyborgs have to do a risk assessment wherever we go.

We also have a dry box which the processor goes in every night to suck out any moisture, it picks up on during the day. The dry box has special granules that need to go in the oven regularly to keep them yellow. So along with your pizza, garlic bread and the like, we chuck our granules in too. Lol

My tinnitus, which I found a nightmare to live with has gone in the implant ear. My ear has more useful things to listen to, so there’s no need to make up any noise. My other ear however does get it, cause it is not doing anything and I need a CI in that ear now.

But thanks to our good old NHS system we adults are only allowed one. Whereas, children can have two! That’s age discrimination period. I mean you wouldn’t say to a double amputee, you can only have one false leg and ask them to hobble about on that would you?? the world is bonkers.

Having half a head of hearing is better than nowt mind. But with only one side hearing, you can’t always tell where sound is coming from. I have seen how hilarious this can be. In a shop I saw two deaf blokes. One bloke called for John who was in another aisle. John had one hearing aid, and could hear his name being called, but didn’t have a clue where his mate was. He started moving his head left to right and then went round in circles as he desperately tried to work out where his mate was calling from. Lol I am a cruel bastard ain’t I? Tee hee

Some cyborgs try going bimodal, that is wearing an aid in the other ear. Depending on how much you hear in that ear, determines the outcome. For me, it was a no brainer, the CI out performs my aid in every aspect. It’s like trying to compare apples and oranges, the aid stands no chance if you hear shite out of it.

So give me another CI any day. I’d bite your hand off for it!

Happy Christmas.

A focker moment.

Well its been two weeks since you’ve heard a peep out of me. I bet you’re dying to know how I’m getting on.

Well fourth week, saw me back at Emmeline centre for more rehab and maps. My IDR has been increased to 80 now. So F120 IDR 80 on two slots with one being louder, gives me the full modus. 3rd Slot is for the blue toothy loop I tried out there. With a lower IDR 50 to cut out buzzing and 70/30 ratio it worked quite well. Only quibble is the blue tooth loop cost a ton, someone’s taking the Michael if you ask me.

CV, which is an add on feature that some cyborgs love with F120 to help reduce background noise doesn’t bode with me. I guess I’m used to hearing everything via the old analogue aids and hated the transition over to digital aids as it was full of compression.

I hear more than I have done in years. I hear every environmental sound going so don’t even think about slipping me a sly one to test me out. I hear the slightest squeak on anything, even if it’s your dodgy knee. WD40 should use us cyborgs for their adverts, trust me they ought to.

I can’t get over how beautiful it is to hear bird song. I hear every bird going, even the one that is stuck indoors with Maurice. You can never tire of bird song, only tire of bird nag. Lol

With my increased IDR, speech is easier to understand. I’m already getting into the habit of not reading lips more and listening instead. I guess it can be a die hard habit to break, when you’ve been staring at rubber lips for years, and relying on subtitles when watching TV. My audie’s tip is to watch first half of a TV program without subtitles and then put subtitles back on to watch the rest of it.

Then into the fifth week, boom.. My brain had a major falling out with my CI. It stuck up an imaginary two fingers up to it and went into meltdown. No amount of how much I strained myself to hear, I was not getting it. Apparently it is normal for us cyborgs to have a fall, stumble every now and again. Cause, although hearing through a CI is awesome, it still requires rehab time. The mind has to gel with the CI, hang out at some bars etc getting to know one and another better.

There is one particular sound that still stops me in my tracks and makes me scream out WTF. It is hearing babies crying. The sound is feckin weird, and out of this world. Lol

Cyborgs with all our focker moments are here to stay, move over you geriatric hearing aid users.

ET phone home.

Well folks I’m on my 3rd week and today it was rehab time at the Emmeline centre.

I’m still on F120 program and although it rocks, environmental sounds need to quieten, thus allowing speech to come through clearer.

Anyway, I voiced my concerns to the rehab lady and she said CV ( Clear voice ) would be something to try. But my next map wasn’t till next week. So had a word in the audie’s ear and CV Medium is now on one of my programs. Also, I’m after a wider IDR but audie said I have to wait till next week for that.

So back to rehab.. First up was the old no lip reading session, talking about the weather and whatnot. I did well in this test.

Then looking at the phone on the table, she looked at me and said ‘Are you ready for this?’ What the phone…wow 3rd week and I’m being put on the phone already!

She explained she was gonna go into a cupboard and make a call. I thought shall I lock her in the cupboard, that would be real funny to see. Tee hee

So I waited for the phone to ring ‘Brrring..Brrring..’ I answered it and heard her voice. She talked about the weather and I heard her with ease. Then she talked about more random stuff like music, again I heard, only getting stuck on one word.

I sat there in daze, trying to take in what just happened. For ten long years, I’d had to get by on type talk. But today here was I taking my first call with lady who squeezed herself in a cupboard. I’m thinking this is a miracle right. This computer chip in my head is working its magic, and empowering me to the hearing world again.

Awesome beyond words this. Later on that day I call my daughter and we have a conversation. Again, I’m left speechless.

And today, I call up someone who is a total stranger to me and I get most of the conversation.

My fellow cyborgs have been telling me all along to take it slow. To be forgiving and allow the process unravel as it sees fit. Well, I can only say my mind is so hungry after lying dormant for so long. It is like being let out of a dark prison and is taking in this wonderful gift like a child is to candy.

What I hear over the phone sounds normal abet a little quiet. A little distant, so my mind has to go into the zone and pick it up. I tend to crank up the volume on the processor to equip me with the tools to make life easier.

Some tool eh? that helps me reconnect to people. No longer do I have to talk to sheep. No longer do I have to avoid people. I am walking talking and living it up big style.

Way to go, woo hoo..

Lets dance..

Woo hoooo Second week.

Lets kick off with some cool lyrics…

Let's dance

Let's dance

Let's dance, put on your red shoes and dance the blues

Let's dance, to the song they're playin' on the radio

Let's sway, while colour lights up your face

Let's sway, sway through the crowd to an empty space

Second map I’m on like F120, a formula 1 car, only it’s a pretty niffy software that comes with Advanced Bionics. It comes with better pitch perception, and let me tell you it rocks!!

As soon as the audie fired me up with F120, I was like wow, like opening a window and a whole rush of exciting sounds came to mind. ‘This is more like it’ I tell the audie. Let’s work with that. So, I’m on like 3 programs of F120 varying in loudness to see me through till next map in two weeks.

I was hearing a high whine in the audie’s room and it turned out to be the radiators. Next up, was a hearing test to see how much I were hearing . I had to like listen to the quietest sound, it could have been next door’s fart for all I cared and I pressed the button. The results were cool. 20db range, that’s like what a hearing person hears.

Then it was off for a rehab session to talk Jackanory. The lady was looking at me and was saying like why wasn’t I looking at her. It was cause I were listening through my CI, after all that’s what I’m here and not for subtitles. Anyway the test started up and they were like three words written down and without lip reading you complete the sentence. Like the cat went ……… ….. …… …… ……. . Overall, I did well in these tests and she was like saying I’ll put you on the phone next. Jeez, the phone! Imagine no more type talk and walking down the high street with the blackberry in me ear? Woo hooo. Wicked.

Dances to himself..

So how’s speech going? Well I got an audio CD to practise to. It’s about Aliens. Lol Started falling asleep listening to it, it were that boring. Still, I’m chillin with some music to keep it real.

Going back to my first week as a cyborg, I were hearing the highs a lot. That’s because the brain hasn’t heard them for 10 years and is like focusing on the highs instead. However, like now it is normalising. Donald duck has now left me for someone else and so my laugh is mine now. The dog barking is still a little high but nevertheless has come down a bit.

Bird song is wicked, love it after been out of it so long. Crisps packets and the like drive me nuts, I can’t for the life of me believe how noisy they are, so they are off the menu.

Another cool thing about this CI is how I can feel the wind blowing in my ears again. Something a HA wearer is never gonna appreciate until they make that leap of faith into cybernetics. My ears are breathing and healthy little wings again. Lol

Oh yeah, one another thing, when I go running I tend not to wear the CI and just use a HA in the other ear for environmental sounds. The difference in sound quality is startling. A CI is no match for the geriatric HA.

Let’s dance, for fear your grace should fall

Let’s dance, for fear tonight is all

Let’s sway, you could look into my eyes

Let’s sway, under the moonlight, this serious moonlight..

Steady does it.

This cyborg business is a learning game. If one thinks one map is all that is needed and you’re off to Bollywood, then you’ll have another thing coming.

I had two days of feeling on an absolute high. My mind was spewing out gallons of it, that by day 3 I had a meltdown. I was so darn tired, the old tinnitus came in waves and that was my calling card to go back to chillin.

Cranking up the volume beyond 12 o’clock and I got the old gravel in the mixer sound. Too much too soon for the old mind to tackle, so I reined myself in again.

Day 4 was a little better, still the volume was low, but gotta live with it till next map Monday.

But I were hearing new sounds!! The door creaked as I opened it and wow..like it jumped right at me and I looked at it in amazement. You have to realise that sounds you first hear through the CI sound so new and although a lot can be recognised if you’ve have a good memory bank, there’s always plenty of surprises in store.

I took a walk round my hometown and like the funniest thing happened. As I passed a house , this bird flew right at me in full flight and stopped like six foot from my face and with it’s beak wide open, let out the sweetest chirp I ever heard. I froze to the spot and watched it as it flew on pass to join its family on a tv aerial. Again I heard more chirping. I had run out of tears by then, so I stood there laughing at them. I’m sure the curtains twitched and I’m guessing I’ll now be known as ‘The mad robot.’ lol

Also I heard police sirens from like miles away. Pretty cool if you’re a baddie and need time to plan your escape. Lol

By Day 5, my tinnitus had reduced to hardly anything. Since my mind now has more useful to things to hear, I figured the old tinnitus has been kicked into touch.

Day 6 and 7 were like hearing stuff but I’m needing more volume..that’s gonna come on Monday’s 2nd map. Also hearing the dog bark is well weird at the moment, sounds like it's on helium.

So end of week one and the one thing that rocks around the clock is music. My old CD’s that had lain gathering cobwebs during my deaf sentence are now been brought back to life and I’m loving it.

Roll on week 2!

Pass me a tissue.

Oh man..where do I start…

Switch on.. Well that day had come, the day of reckoning and such a momentous occasion. What a life changing moment that turned out to be so.

I was told to just expect beeps and whistles..nothing more. So I tried to prepare myself mentally for that, but there was no need in the end.

On firing up all electrodes, I heard them all. The best way I can describe it, was like being on an ocean floor and hearing the submarine going beep beep…sounds just like a submarine does I’m telling you. Then like, things got a little more interesting.

The audie said this is it, prepare for lift off. So I grabbed the sides of the chair, and braced myself for what was about to come. Beep beep beep came in rapid fire..then woohoo man. I heard the audie’s voice, through all these beeps. She spoke and I listened, and wow..I could hear her voice just like in the old days. I was in world of wonderment. Like a baby does when they hear sounds for the first time. When it came to me speaking it was like loud and deep..I sounded like that singer Barry White. Lol

But when I laughed, it was like what’s this? Donald Duck had morphed into me and that laugh belonged to Donald not I. I was hearing Donald laughing in me. So I spent a lot of time laughing with my new friend Donald.

The audie then did a little test with no lip-reading allowed to see how I was faring..like 1 hour from switch on. One hour and I’m doing a little exam already! Lol Well, I gave it my best shot..and my giddy aunt I got them all right, how bloody awesome is that??

I’m on Hi-Res S Prog 1 T-Mic, Prog 2 50/50 and Prog 3 30/70 t-coil I tried F120 and well I was doing so well with the former. My brain was thinking what’s this F120 all about? Too much information in so little time. So keep things simple for now. That’s my little tip for you guys..

Going out and hearing the world beyond four walls was a revelation. I could hear the chatter and background noise as people went about their business. Sitting in a canteen I could hear a ladies quiet conversation some 30 foot away. I listened in awe, this cyborg business is getting even more fun! Maybe I should get a job with M15. Lol

Opening a packet of crisps was weird along with hearing a child screaming. I’ll pass on those two for now me thinks.

I listened to music in the car and it was like coming home.

The sound was so sweet, the melody beautiful. I felt every fibre of my being fill with emotion as I listened.

That’s it, I could hold back no more..

Pass me a tissue.

Chill...

Well I’ve been a pissed off dude and needed to bang some heads together. I’ve done that now and pleased to say I feel better.

My switch-on date is 25th October, the wait has been a ball breaker. I’ve still got a week and a half to go before the beeps and whistles kick in and brain screams out WTF. Well my fellow cyborgs have been telling me to chill.

I think it’s easy to lose the concept of chill. Some just don’t know how to chill, they might as well go in a fridge and really chill. Some have got it down to a fine art on chilling. I’m an in between man, I can chill when I feel the need to. There are lots of ways to chill, you can chill with drink, chill with music, chill with nicotine, chill with a man or woman or both if that’s your thing.

I can never understand the point of dinner parties if you’re deaf and everyone else is hearing. You go along as you feel obliged to, as it’s a distant family or work thing. So you mingle with these people, striking up a conversation to show that you’re making the effort you know. But the conversation inevitability steers to your hearing impairment. It often becomes the topic of conversation and sucks the life blood out of you. So you excuse yourself and check out the seating arrangements. Checking that you’re not sitting next to someone who has a moustache, or speaks with a lisp. Often you end up feeling like a lemon, as you struggle keep up with the flow of conversation, and end up out of the loop. That is not chilling, that is suffering.

Real chilling comes from within. Try doing some of that Dalai lama stuff with your legs crossed and go into the zone. It takes a little practise but soon works a treat. It's best to do it on your own like, at least until you've mastered it well. Don't attempt to get all smart arsed doing it in the middle of a board room meeting, if you do, you may well get the Alan Sugar finger.

I think Buddhism is cool, although I've never seen one with a CI though. Lol But with all the mind training they do, it is impressive how they can meditate for aeons of time. Also I like the way they change their thinking. I know a bit about this you see...tee hee I'm not short of a marble or two you see. It's like if I fill my head with doubt, then doubt will follow me. Like with a negative person, surrounding negativity will attract to that person. So I have to keep my head positive, with all those good vibes flowing through me. It's not exactly rocket science is it? try it, experiment, and do what works for you.

My switch-on is coming soon and I know, they will be days when I'll be hearing crap, and wish the bleeding the thing would work properly. Well you know, I have to remind myself it’s a tool to help me hear and although several steps up from a hearing aid it will take time. I have 12 mapping sessions to attend from switch-on till 28th January. To get the tuning right and cranked up as the brain ’gets it.' Kinda like tuning an engine till it runs like a baby. Well that’s it, I’m a baby learning to hear all over again via Advanced Bionics. I’m giving myself a time frame of 3 months of being a baby to becoming a fully fledged cyborg with my mojo in full swing.

Meanwhile it’s Dalai lama time.