Enter at your peril.

Lets talk about deaf clubs. We all know they’re meeting places for the deaf to go. Often the highlight of their week, and for many it costs them a fortune in taxis fees. But thanks to DLA this makes it possible for them.

But as a cyborg it is really a question of them and us. Enter a deaf club as a cyborg and all eyes will become transfixed on your CI. Everyone watches as you go to the bar and heaven forbid if you don’t sign your drink, you really are in the shit.

Well that was me the other night, standing at the bar and talking…cough cough splutter I ain’t suppose to use my voice. But I did, cause I’m lousy at sign. I can do the rude signs, but that’s no good if you wanna get served. So I ask my girlfriend what’s the sign for red wine and do my best to relay that to the barman. That wine sign is like the phone sign to the ear, and I just cracked up man. Laughing hysterically I say to the barman ‘phone for you.’ Lol

Luckily for me I got my wine, all credit to the barman…top dude. But I had to pay extra to these geezer who looked like some gangster. In his best voice he explained as I was not a member we had to pay £2 extra, protection money me thinks..

A CI to them is some form of evil. So all evening I got the evil eye, and by the end of it I was ready to turn into Arnold Schwarzenegger .

It wasn’t my first time at that place either, second actually. I figured they went easy on me first time, kinda hoping I wouldn’t come back. Lol Well, I did and boy did I feel the vibes in that room, so intense it was I’m telling you.

This geezer came up to us, all friendly which is sound mind. But like, within a few minutes he’s asking us for our phone numbers and suddenly we are supposed to be best mates. Winking at me, doing the old hand jive thing he’s like trying to butter me up so I can be his taxi driver for the next five years. Well fuck me it ain’t gonna happen. Still, for most of the evening he’s there, following us around like a bad smell. Ordering another round of drinks, the barman tells us to be on our guard, for he’s really a psycho as if I didn’t know already. Lol

I do my best to keep chilled mind, and talk to this other dude who I saw last time. But it was hard going cause I’m an oral guy and hearing this guy talk is like listening to Alvin and the Chipmunks. So I throw in a bit of sign to give my ear a break, but quickly realise it ain’t working.

You gotta sign to fit in with this lot. There’s no use being a cyborg in them places either. As soon as you enter, you ought to switch off your voice, real handy if you happen to have a sore throat . I was hoping to meet folk like me, but I’m thinking that’s not gonna happen in them places.

They also have a bingo night, which I stumbled across the first time I visited. It’s all done in sign of course, so folk will sure get a stiff neck from looking up at the signer and down to check their numbers. Lol And I wonder what the prize is for winning? An ipod? Fat use that’ll be eh? Tee hee

I even came across a HOH guy wearing hearing aids. He says he’s HOH but starts signing like a fruitcake to me. I tell him, to quit the sign and use your voice. What’s does he do? He feckin carries on signing. I told him for the umpteen time to cut the crap and speak. Oh no, he carries on and well by then I’d seen enough and upped.

Play by their rules, or get the fuck out.

That’s it in a nutshell.

Found...one careful owner required.

Heard about this the other day, I gotta tell you about it.

Someone left their hearing aid in a department store, WS8 postcode area. The manager of the store is looking after it. There's a big poster at the information desk asking for it’s rightful owner to reclaim it. Lol

I mean that just cracks me up. How did that happen I wonder? Did he or she catch it on a Christmas tree and left it dangling on one of the branches? Or was it a case of the owner wanting to remove it, cause the wife was nagging him to death? I dunno, but here’s my theory.

The owner is old, I mean well old with a case of alzheimers. Cause you have to be pretty dumb, to go off without realising something is amiss. I also reckon the owner was looking for some hearing aid batteries for it, and took it out to double check that they were the right ones. And in a fit of excitement, the aid got left behind, with the owner leaving the store with just the batteries. Lol That’s just so darn funny.

The other theory could be that, the old aid was giving the owner some serious grief and with it being Xmas and all that. The owner just thought sod it, they can have it, placing it on a shelf next to the shredders and laminators.

I mean how often does this happen? For hearing aids to be left in department stores that is? We’ve all heard about knickers and the like being found on trains, that’s kinda normal right? But a hearing aid?

Nah someone’s off their head.

The biz.

Looking at the picture, there’s no hiding the fact I’m a cyborg. I’m no a girl and don’t wear wigs either. Does it bother me how it looks? Not one bit and let me tell you why.

Cause it looks like a blue tooth device. It’s futuristic and trust me you won’t see many cyborgs at your local Sainsburys. So when you do see one that looks like mine, you ought to ask for an autograph.

A CI is so much more than a hearing aid. For a start, there’s no ear mould to wear so I can once again feel the wind blowing in my ears. You don’t get whistling feedback like you do with aids, which has to be the most annoying thing about hearing aids. And of course, I don’t have to worry about blocked tubes anymore.

My CI sits comfortably over my ear. The cord that connects to the headpiece tucks nicely behind the processor. Keeping the cable discreet. I did this, cause the cord was too long and did looked silly. The microphone is situated right by the ear, so picks up sound like a normal ear would. I have add on colours that I can use whenever I fancy. The battery is rechargeable and lasts on average 9 hours or so. We cyborgs of AB have a little purse to carry two other batteries for changeover. No warning is given when it’s time to swap them over, so a little forward planning is needed.

During my hearing aid days, I did think the CI resembled a huge contraption on one’s head. It bothered me that much that I wrote to a CI manufacturer and voiced my concerns. What surprised me even more, was they were in full agreement of what I said. LOL!

But times have moved on and so has technology. How it looks, isn’t so much a concern, but more importantly, how it works for you. If your CI works likes a Jelly tot, then fair enough it is a piece of shite.

My CI works for me. From calling up people on my mobile to listening without lip-reading I’m living it up big style. My everyday program is CV Medium IDR70 100% T-Mic. CV seems to work better for me now, I’m finding speech comes through clearer with CV. It also sounds good with music, so I’m just riding on one slot for now.

I got given a blue tooth loop for Xmas * thanks babe x * but I’m getting buzzing with it, so I’ll need to talk to the audie about this on the 5th Jan. My IDR on this is 60 with 70/30 Mic. Just calling direct without the loop works fine to get round the buzzing.

So, It’s now a new year and for me as a cyborg, a whole new way of life. I have made great strides in the space of just two months and with my listening assessment coming up, it will be interesting to see how I’ll fair then and in the months to come.

Happy New Year Folks!

CI is for life, not just for Christmas.

Two months on, life as a cyborg is good, but I've had moments when I felt my CI behaved like a jelly tot stuck to my head.

A CI is for life, you cannot ask for a receipt and take it back to Toys' r 'us for a refund. Nope, you end up a computer, and a walking computer at that. It's a big step up from your old fuddy duddy hearing aid. When you’ve out used the manky aid, then it's truly time to consider making that leap of faith to cyborg world.

Cyborg world consists of maps, rehab, maps and more rehab. You've also got to have a sense of humour, cause they will be moments when you’re thinking your progress has stalled and you've gone from a hare to a tortoise.

The last week, my CI has been a pain in the butt. First up, speech got harder to understand then, whenever I cranked up the volume I got distortion. With IDR 80, music is good, but for speech the jury was out on that.

Thankfully, I was able to arrange an emergency appointment yesterday at the CI centre for a tune up. I am now on more volume and also have one slot on CV medium IDR70 100% T-Mic. I’m trying CV again cause I found noisy places a nightmare and struggled to understand speech. The audie, ran some tests and concluded I am hearing very well, especially in the high pitches.

I still have my music program at IDR80 and a program for the loop. As it happened, I listened to music via my mobile and loop on the way back from hospital,... it's good. Loop program is set at IDR 60 F120.

I can also use the loop program for making calls, but need to get a blue tooth loop for that.

My mobile is one of them Android phones, HTC Wildfire. I can hear well with it, in fact I spoke to two people last night and goes to show you that I am doing alright. I do find female voices easier to understand than males voices. In time though, I should be fine with both.

I’ve also discovered that when I dry my hair with a towel, my head starts buzzing on the implant side. It’s static building up, the hairs on me head stick up, a strange feeling I have to say. I have to allow the charge to decrease before putting on the processor, otherwise I’d be nuked. Lol

The old magnet is also prone to leaving my head whenever I go near anything metal. Imagine what a nightmare it would be if you’re a mechanic with a CI? Under the bonnet, the CI would end up stuck under an old Robin reliant. The CI is an occupational hazard, we cyborgs have to do a risk assessment wherever we go.

We also have a dry box which the processor goes in every night to suck out any moisture, it picks up on during the day. The dry box has special granules that need to go in the oven regularly to keep them yellow. So along with your pizza, garlic bread and the like, we chuck our granules in too. Lol

My tinnitus, which I found a nightmare to live with has gone in the implant ear. My ear has more useful things to listen to, so there’s no need to make up any noise. My other ear however does get it, cause it is not doing anything and I need a CI in that ear now.

But thanks to our good old NHS system we adults are only allowed one. Whereas, children can have two! That’s age discrimination period. I mean you wouldn’t say to a double amputee, you can only have one false leg and ask them to hobble about on that would you?? the world is bonkers.

Having half a head of hearing is better than nowt mind. But with only one side hearing, you can’t always tell where sound is coming from. I have seen how hilarious this can be. In a shop I saw two deaf blokes. One bloke called for John who was in another aisle. John had one hearing aid, and could hear his name being called, but didn’t have a clue where his mate was. He started moving his head left to right and then went round in circles as he desperately tried to work out where his mate was calling from. Lol I am a cruel bastard ain’t I? Tee hee

Some cyborgs try going bimodal, that is wearing an aid in the other ear. Depending on how much you hear in that ear, determines the outcome. For me, it was a no brainer, the CI out performs my aid in every aspect. It’s like trying to compare apples and oranges, the aid stands no chance if you hear shite out of it.

So give me another CI any day. I’d bite your hand off for it!

Happy Christmas.

A focker moment.

Well its been two weeks since you’ve heard a peep out of me. I bet you’re dying to know how I’m getting on.

Well fourth week, saw me back at Emmeline centre for more rehab and maps. My IDR has been increased to 80 now. So F120 IDR 80 on two slots with one being louder, gives me the full modus. 3rd Slot is for the blue toothy loop I tried out there. With a lower IDR 50 to cut out buzzing and 70/30 ratio it worked quite well. Only quibble is the blue tooth loop cost a ton, someone’s taking the Michael if you ask me.

CV, which is an add on feature that some cyborgs love with F120 to help reduce background noise doesn’t bode with me. I guess I’m used to hearing everything via the old analogue aids and hated the transition over to digital aids as it was full of compression.

I hear more than I have done in years. I hear every environmental sound going so don’t even think about slipping me a sly one to test me out. I hear the slightest squeak on anything, even if it’s your dodgy knee. WD40 should use us cyborgs for their adverts, trust me they ought to.

I can’t get over how beautiful it is to hear bird song. I hear every bird going, even the one that is stuck indoors with Maurice. You can never tire of bird song, only tire of bird nag. Lol

With my increased IDR, speech is easier to understand. I’m already getting into the habit of not reading lips more and listening instead. I guess it can be a die hard habit to break, when you’ve been staring at rubber lips for years, and relying on subtitles when watching TV. My audie’s tip is to watch first half of a TV program without subtitles and then put subtitles back on to watch the rest of it.

Then into the fifth week, boom.. My brain had a major falling out with my CI. It stuck up an imaginary two fingers up to it and went into meltdown. No amount of how much I strained myself to hear, I was not getting it. Apparently it is normal for us cyborgs to have a fall, stumble every now and again. Cause, although hearing through a CI is awesome, it still requires rehab time. The mind has to gel with the CI, hang out at some bars etc getting to know one and another better.

There is one particular sound that still stops me in my tracks and makes me scream out WTF. It is hearing babies crying. The sound is feckin weird, and out of this world. Lol

Cyborgs with all our focker moments are here to stay, move over you geriatric hearing aid users.

ET phone home.

Well folks I’m on my 3rd week and today it was rehab time at the Emmeline centre.

I’m still on F120 program and although it rocks, environmental sounds need to quieten, thus allowing speech to come through clearer.

Anyway, I voiced my concerns to the rehab lady and she said CV ( Clear voice ) would be something to try. But my next map wasn’t till next week. So had a word in the audie’s ear and CV Medium is now on one of my programs. Also, I’m after a wider IDR but audie said I have to wait till next week for that.

So back to rehab.. First up was the old no lip reading session, talking about the weather and whatnot. I did well in this test.

Then looking at the phone on the table, she looked at me and said ‘Are you ready for this?’ What the phone…wow 3rd week and I’m being put on the phone already!

She explained she was gonna go into a cupboard and make a call. I thought shall I lock her in the cupboard, that would be real funny to see. Tee hee

So I waited for the phone to ring ‘Brrring..Brrring..’ I answered it and heard her voice. She talked about the weather and I heard her with ease. Then she talked about more random stuff like music, again I heard, only getting stuck on one word.

I sat there in daze, trying to take in what just happened. For ten long years, I’d had to get by on type talk. But today here was I taking my first call with lady who squeezed herself in a cupboard. I’m thinking this is a miracle right. This computer chip in my head is working its magic, and empowering me to the hearing world again.

Awesome beyond words this. Later on that day I call my daughter and we have a conversation. Again, I’m left speechless.

And today, I call up someone who is a total stranger to me and I get most of the conversation.

My fellow cyborgs have been telling me all along to take it slow. To be forgiving and allow the process unravel as it sees fit. Well, I can only say my mind is so hungry after lying dormant for so long. It is like being let out of a dark prison and is taking in this wonderful gift like a child is to candy.

What I hear over the phone sounds normal abet a little quiet. A little distant, so my mind has to go into the zone and pick it up. I tend to crank up the volume on the processor to equip me with the tools to make life easier.

Some tool eh? that helps me reconnect to people. No longer do I have to talk to sheep. No longer do I have to avoid people. I am walking talking and living it up big style.

Way to go, woo hoo..

Lets dance..

Woo hoooo Second week.

Lets kick off with some cool lyrics…

Let's dance

Let's dance

Let's dance, put on your red shoes and dance the blues

Let's dance, to the song they're playin' on the radio

Let's sway, while colour lights up your face

Let's sway, sway through the crowd to an empty space

Second map I’m on like F120, a formula 1 car, only it’s a pretty niffy software that comes with Advanced Bionics. It comes with better pitch perception, and let me tell you it rocks!!

As soon as the audie fired me up with F120, I was like wow, like opening a window and a whole rush of exciting sounds came to mind. ‘This is more like it’ I tell the audie. Let’s work with that. So, I’m on like 3 programs of F120 varying in loudness to see me through till next map in two weeks.

I was hearing a high whine in the audie’s room and it turned out to be the radiators. Next up, was a hearing test to see how much I were hearing . I had to like listen to the quietest sound, it could have been next door’s fart for all I cared and I pressed the button. The results were cool. 20db range, that’s like what a hearing person hears.

Then it was off for a rehab session to talk Jackanory. The lady was looking at me and was saying like why wasn’t I looking at her. It was cause I were listening through my CI, after all that’s what I’m here and not for subtitles. Anyway the test started up and they were like three words written down and without lip reading you complete the sentence. Like the cat went ……… ….. …… …… ……. . Overall, I did well in these tests and she was like saying I’ll put you on the phone next. Jeez, the phone! Imagine no more type talk and walking down the high street with the blackberry in me ear? Woo hooo. Wicked.

Dances to himself..

So how’s speech going? Well I got an audio CD to practise to. It’s about Aliens. Lol Started falling asleep listening to it, it were that boring. Still, I’m chillin with some music to keep it real.

Going back to my first week as a cyborg, I were hearing the highs a lot. That’s because the brain hasn’t heard them for 10 years and is like focusing on the highs instead. However, like now it is normalising. Donald duck has now left me for someone else and so my laugh is mine now. The dog barking is still a little high but nevertheless has come down a bit.

Bird song is wicked, love it after been out of it so long. Crisps packets and the like drive me nuts, I can’t for the life of me believe how noisy they are, so they are off the menu.

Another cool thing about this CI is how I can feel the wind blowing in my ears again. Something a HA wearer is never gonna appreciate until they make that leap of faith into cybernetics. My ears are breathing and healthy little wings again. Lol

Oh yeah, one another thing, when I go running I tend not to wear the CI and just use a HA in the other ear for environmental sounds. The difference in sound quality is startling. A CI is no match for the geriatric HA.

Let’s dance, for fear your grace should fall

Let’s dance, for fear tonight is all

Let’s sway, you could look into my eyes

Let’s sway, under the moonlight, this serious moonlight..