Pass me a tissue.

Oh man..where do I start…

Switch on.. Well that day had come, the day of reckoning and such a momentous occasion. What a life changing moment that turned out to be so.

I was told to just expect beeps and whistles..nothing more. So I tried to prepare myself mentally for that, but there was no need in the end.

On firing up all electrodes, I heard them all. The best way I can describe it, was like being on an ocean floor and hearing the submarine going beep beep…sounds just like a submarine does I’m telling you. Then like, things got a little more interesting.

The audie said this is it, prepare for lift off. So I grabbed the sides of the chair, and braced myself for what was about to come. Beep beep beep came in rapid fire..then woohoo man. I heard the audie’s voice, through all these beeps. She spoke and I listened, and wow..I could hear her voice just like in the old days. I was in world of wonderment. Like a baby does when they hear sounds for the first time. When it came to me speaking it was like loud and deep..I sounded like that singer Barry White. Lol

But when I laughed, it was like what’s this? Donald Duck had morphed into me and that laugh belonged to Donald not I. I was hearing Donald laughing in me. So I spent a lot of time laughing with my new friend Donald.

The audie then did a little test with no lip-reading allowed to see how I was faring..like 1 hour from switch on. One hour and I’m doing a little exam already! Lol Well, I gave it my best shot..and my giddy aunt I got them all right, how bloody awesome is that??

I’m on Hi-Res S Prog 1 T-Mic, Prog 2 50/50 and Prog 3 30/70 t-coil I tried F120 and well I was doing so well with the former. My brain was thinking what’s this F120 all about? Too much information in so little time. So keep things simple for now. That’s my little tip for you guys..

Going out and hearing the world beyond four walls was a revelation. I could hear the chatter and background noise as people went about their business. Sitting in a canteen I could hear a ladies quiet conversation some 30 foot away. I listened in awe, this cyborg business is getting even more fun! Maybe I should get a job with M15. Lol

Opening a packet of crisps was weird along with hearing a child screaming. I’ll pass on those two for now me thinks.

I listened to music in the car and it was like coming home.

The sound was so sweet, the melody beautiful. I felt every fibre of my being fill with emotion as I listened.

That’s it, I could hold back no more..

Pass me a tissue.

Chill...

Well I’ve been a pissed off dude and needed to bang some heads together. I’ve done that now and pleased to say I feel better.

My switch-on date is 25th October, the wait has been a ball breaker. I’ve still got a week and a half to go before the beeps and whistles kick in and brain screams out WTF. Well my fellow cyborgs have been telling me to chill.

I think it’s easy to lose the concept of chill. Some just don’t know how to chill, they might as well go in a fridge and really chill. Some have got it down to a fine art on chilling. I’m an in between man, I can chill when I feel the need to. There are lots of ways to chill, you can chill with drink, chill with music, chill with nicotine, chill with a man or woman or both if that’s your thing.

I can never understand the point of dinner parties if you’re deaf and everyone else is hearing. You go along as you feel obliged to, as it’s a distant family or work thing. So you mingle with these people, striking up a conversation to show that you’re making the effort you know. But the conversation inevitability steers to your hearing impairment. It often becomes the topic of conversation and sucks the life blood out of you. So you excuse yourself and check out the seating arrangements. Checking that you’re not sitting next to someone who has a moustache, or speaks with a lisp. Often you end up feeling like a lemon, as you struggle keep up with the flow of conversation, and end up out of the loop. That is not chilling, that is suffering.

Real chilling comes from within. Try doing some of that Dalai lama stuff with your legs crossed and go into the zone. It takes a little practise but soon works a treat. It's best to do it on your own like, at least until you've mastered it well. Don't attempt to get all smart arsed doing it in the middle of a board room meeting, if you do, you may well get the Alan Sugar finger.

I think Buddhism is cool, although I've never seen one with a CI though. Lol But with all the mind training they do, it is impressive how they can meditate for aeons of time. Also I like the way they change their thinking. I know a bit about this you see...tee hee I'm not short of a marble or two you see. It's like if I fill my head with doubt, then doubt will follow me. Like with a negative person, surrounding negativity will attract to that person. So I have to keep my head positive, with all those good vibes flowing through me. It's not exactly rocket science is it? try it, experiment, and do what works for you.

My switch-on is coming soon and I know, they will be days when I'll be hearing crap, and wish the bleeding the thing would work properly. Well you know, I have to remind myself it’s a tool to help me hear and although several steps up from a hearing aid it will take time. I have 12 mapping sessions to attend from switch-on till 28th January. To get the tuning right and cranked up as the brain ’gets it.' Kinda like tuning an engine till it runs like a baby. Well that’s it, I’m a baby learning to hear all over again via Advanced Bionics. I’m giving myself a time frame of 3 months of being a baby to becoming a fully fledged cyborg with my mojo in full swing.

Meanwhile it’s Dalai lama time.

Ah sweet...

I was back in Cambridge today for my 2 week post-op check.

First up was the X ray to check I hadn’t sneezed the implant out of my bum. X rays and implants are not a good mix. A bit like attempting to boil an egg in a microwave oven…psst have you tried that? Lol well, unless you want egg on your face don’t. tee hee

I told the lady at the reception desk, I had come for a x ray for my cochlear implant. No problem there..good. Soon the X ray man ushered me into the cook house. Again I said it is my CI your X raying, just so to protect my brain from ending up like scrambled eggs. No problem.. I had to face this white board with a cross on it. A red beam indicated my head was on target then

zap.. the picture was taken.

Soon as it began it was over. Then on to the Emmeline centre for the results and a quick chat with the nurse.

The nurse asked me the usual questions. Like ‘How you feeling, any problems?’ 'Nah, nothing a few beers can’t fix' I replied. ‘Still got your taste buds?’ she asked ‘Yeah, beer with fish and chips taste well nice' I said. She also checked in my ear‘ole and said all fine.

She then looked at the X ray as above. And beckoned me over to look at it. She zoomed in and showed me where the electrodes were. All sixteen are there, tucked up in the cochlear. I spotted one outside and she told me that was the earth one. So in the case of getting struck by lighting you are earthed . Wow, some reassurance that. Lol

She said it was perfect, with everything as it should be.

Ah, sweet that.

Wassup

Well I’m one week post op now and I’ll fill you in with what went on.

Coming round after op, was relatively straight forward. I could eat the hind legs off a donkey and not feel any pain what so ever. Moving around though was a different story. The surgeon said I’d feel a bit wobbly for a couple of days. Well, it was more than a couple of days, and it felt like someone had battered me one.

My brain soon sussed out something was amiss and started giving me verbal. I ignored it until into the fourth night, with the ear throbbing like it was on fire or something, I swallowed my first Nurofen plus to put it out of its misery.

Having a piece of metal in the head has been a weird feeling. I had that cross-eyed look that you’d get if someone knees you one in the nuts. Whenever I turned to my left, where the implant is, I'd get the sensation that my brain didn’t know its arm from its elbow…it was that odd.

Walking around, I’d feel like I had drunk the brewery out of business. I was getting annoyed because in town people kept walking into me, I needed space and lots of it. A couple of people approached me to talk about some survey, I just waved them off and headed into Starbucks instead.

A nice cup of tea and a sit down in a quiet corner was what I needed for awhile.

Getting by on one ear which is crap as it is, has been a blow. I’m just hearing junk noise and coupled with the wobbles, it’s not a great combination. I find myself going into my shell like sometimes.

Give me two good ears and I’d talk you into buying a whole lorry load of Jelly tots. This CI had better work, otherwise I’d really be up the creek without a paddle.

I want to hear like I could in the old days. The memory is there and with the hardware now installed, it’s just a question of the having the right software that resonates with my brain. The two need to gel in order for me to understand the ‘Comprendo.‘ I don’t want to be fiddling about with switches and the like. Just get the tune up right and I can get back to what I do best.

And that is living it up big style.

Feel the vibe..

Hey check out the signature on my head..

That is the workings of my CI surgeon. No more hearing aid for me in that ear, I am now part of the ever growing CI brotherhood and Jelly tot brigade.

I must have made an impression on the NHS, because they gave me a 5 star stay at a private hospital. With my own room along with all mod cons, Lenny Henry would have gone green with envy. They wasted no time working on me at all. My room was a hive of activity, nurses and surgeon all coming in to see the man who wanted to be the next Buzz Light year.

Staff nurse kept me on my toes, asking me all sorts of questions. From dentures to loose teeth, I had to do a double take and tell her that it’s my ear I wanted doing, not my mouth,.. just procedure she replied.

I was then asked to put on the dress and kinky socks. The problem with this dress is that every time you have a call of nature, you have to lift the dress up and sit like a girl would do, so that is sex discrimination if you ask me.

Sister nurse came in and said that I will going in the next thirty minutes. All kinds went through my mind then. I started pacing the room and getting hyped up to the tune of Rocky playing in my head. I did some ghost boxing and with that dress on, sure must have looked funny as hell.

Then the call comes, time to get into bed and let them wheel me down to theatre. Two guys hooked me up to a machine that had a huge syringe. A guy started pressing some buttons and the machine fired up. At this point one guy looked at me and said 'you Ok'? I felt my vision bounce, I knew what was coming so.. I just closed my eyes and went to sleep with a smile on my face.

Two hours later I am woken up to the sight of two nurses fussing over me. A huge bandage on my head and hey presto it’s been done!

Surgeon sees me and says the op was a success with full insertion of electrodes.

I looked at him and smiled.

Ain't life beautiful?

3..2..1..Kapow!

Thursday 23rd is the big day for me, whereby I will become married to an implant for life I guess. I’ve spent so many months chasing this implant and now it is finally making it’s way to my head. I’m choosing Advanced Bionics Hi Res 90 for the implant and Harmony for the processor.

My left ear will be implanted, being the last ear to go tits up and so will be the first to get jump started. My right ear is just an environmental pick up which will serve me some purpose while I go nuts waiting for switch on day.

So any residual hearing I have in the left ear, will be terminated 23.9.2010. This is the trade off and swap shop for something potentially so bloody awesome that it’s like trading a Mini for a Ferrari.. a no brainer. All bells and whistles..only the thing won’t whistle. Can you imagine that? No feedback, no more me blowing in the tubes and spraying ear wax and condensation everywhere. I should frame my hearing aid and write an epitaph for it, donate it to Cambridge Emmeline Centre for all to see and have a chuckle as they undergo their CI assessment.

I won’t be sad to kiss it’s sorry ass to Timbuktu. It is an end of the hearing aid era for me, time to take that leap of faith into cybernetics.

I will go into theatre with a big smile on my face for I have more reasons to smile. (*wink, wink*) Lol The bit where they knock you out sparko is the bit I’m thinking about. People say it’s like having a nice sleep and waking up in someone else’s bed. Lol

Then it will probably feel like someone’s taken a Black ‘n’ Decker to my head. I will dose and triple dose myself up with pain meds. Don’t ask me to take part in Trivial Pursuit at this point thank you. I will look around and watch the nurses run around like headless chickens as they tend to some poor soul. I will look at myself in the mirror and let out a big scream that is reminiscent of psycho, because my head is likely to be wrapped around with bandages that would make one look like the elephant man. Don’t expect me to model for some top shelf magazine at this point okay.

So, I will probably be shuffling around like someone from Michael Jackson Thriller movie. It’s thriller night..oh baby, I’m gonna thrill you tonight. Lol

I’ve been told not to eat a single Jelly tot from 11am Thursday. So I’m gonna be so ravenous that I will want to eat a super size meal from good old Mac. But fellow cyborgs have shot that one down, saying you will need a straw mate.

Well fly me a wotsit instead.

And the journey begins...

Well, I had some welcome news today. Down at the CI centre, I nervously sat along the corridor to await the outcome of my CI assessment. There were a couple of ladies waiting also.

Five minutes came and went. Seemed like an eternity. I stared into an abyss to calm the nerves. Then this peace was interrupted by a nurse who came up to the ladies and called my name. I have a man's name and there she was asking the ladies lol Anyway, I beckoned her over and said it's me you're looking for. She then went on to say, that the surgeon had to go somewhere. My heart sank and thought I would have to come back later.

Then she looked at me and beamed a big smile and said 'All good, you can have your CI.' Well I could have kissed her then. lol I asked her for an idea of when the operation would likely to be. She went away and came back saying two weeks...two weeks!!! Wow, that's quick I thought.

I've also been asked to come back again at end of this week to discuss the device, medical etc.

So that's the first part done and out the way.

The picture illustrates very well how I feel, because I have a monstrous battle ahead of me. My personal life is in complete disarray, I've got to move out..find another place to stay, get a job etc.

I don't do things by half eh? lol